To the mother who visits the cemetery every day, you are doing it right. And the mother who can’t bring herself to order the headstone, you are doing it right, too. Celebrating your baby’s birthday and talking about him or her at every opportunity is great. And it’s completely okay to be unable to utter that sweet baby’s name.
The truth is we are all doing it right. Each and every one of us loves our babies. We love them so much our hearts are broken. And broken hearts tend to make us quick to judge and fiercely defensive. In the two years since my son, Davis, died I’ve met dozens of other baby loss moms. The one thing we all have in common is we feel like we are doing it right. And we all feel like we are doing it all wrong. And unfortunately many of us feel compelled to explain and justify our grief.
You are doing it right, and you don’t have to explain yourself to anyone.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve any loss, and certainly not this kind of loss. Baby loss is impossibly difficult because it is so unnatural. We shouldn’t be forced to learn how to live without our children, but we are. I’m here, you’re here, and neither one of us want to be. Neither one of us knows how to do this. Yet we are both, in all of our differences, doing it exactly right.
Deep in your soul, you know what soothes your broken heart. Even though you can’t hold your baby in your arms, you still have maternal instinct that drives the way you memorialize and honor your baby. Follow it. This year we decided to order Davis a personalized Christmas stocking to hang on the mantle with the rest of our children’s. It felt wrong to leave him out, yet I did so because I didn’t want to make our extended family uncomfortable, or put a damper on holiday festivities. I can’t wait for it to arrive and I can’t wait to see the names of all four of our children hanging over the fireplace this Christmas. I don’t care how it makes everyone else feel. He is my son, and seeing his stocking on my mantle will make me feel whole. I urge you to unapologetically follow that mama instinct—wherever it may lead you because that will be the place you will begin to find peace. Trust that in your way, for your baby, you are doing it right.
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